The Valley - Day 5

Day 5
Exhausted.
Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

Yet. God is good. He is my Strength.
Praise: This morning I was teary as I listened to a voicemail from a friend who wants to take my daughter (12) out for coffee this Saturday. I am preparing myself for this precious one to have her melt-down. She is a very emotional creature and we have tried preparing her for the roller coaster she might experience. My fear is that because she tends to subconciously take on another's ailments (brother's neck pain, broken bone, and more) how will she deal with her brother's suicide attempt?

Praise: Our Youth Pastor will be getting our 13 year old out of the house on Sunday. He needs time to be himself out from under his brother's shadow. He needs time to process. And we are thrilled that he gets to go to District for Wrestling tomorrow! Way to go!

Praise: And a new friend reached out to me again today. She gave me a great referral the other day and I so appreciated it. She is not judging me but loving me. And I can't thank her enough for that!

Praise: Found out that our insurance will cover 100% of counseling and pshychiatric help, except for a $20 copay.

Praise: My hubby and I went out for a date for coffee!

Then there is Christmas.
To host the party Saturday or not. Am I really up to having company? My heart is not in this. How do I explain my hesitation? But don't our kids deserve some Holiday cheer? Maybe it will rub off on me. But other than the year my father died a few weeks before Christmas, I've never felt sick about it being "the most wonderful time of the year"! Hmmmm. That was a death. This was almost a death. I realized to today that at some point I will start grieving. I pray I won't totally fall apart. I almost literally got sick while grocery shopping. I saw people happily shopping for parties and Christmas and felt SICK.

Verse: Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

¹Jehovah is my shepherd; I shall not want.
² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside still waters.
³ He restoreth my soul: He guideth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
⁴ Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou hast anointed my head with oil; My cup runneth over.
⁶ Surely goodness and lovingkindness shall follow me all the days of my life; And I shall dwell in the house of Jehovah for ever.

The Valley - Day 4

A "Little Bit-it" of Hope.

Finally, I feel that some pieces to this messy puzzle are coming together.

We met with the new christian counselor. He had some good advice. Wants to make sure all of us in the family have some support. He told Mr. 15 that he would be part of his support. Mr. 15 did nod a few times. Smirked a few times. And said this guy is nothing like his last counselor. Which he hated, so I'm hoping this is good news. We laughed in the car afterwards agreeing that Mr. Counselor would be much easier to listen to if he didn't say, "ummm.ummm.ummm" before each sentence. But maybe we should all stop and think about what we're going to say next.....He gave me some advice on how to cope with my emotions before they boil over. I think Mr.15 was happy that his mom was getting the advice. Mr. Counselor did want me to pass on to Mr.15 that by taking walks and mid-afternoon showers that was good coping skills. Then he asked me in private if he could share his own suicide attempt story at age 10 and how God spared his life. Uhhh. Yeah. I think Mr.15 might respect him a little bit after that.

Mr. Wonderful and I met with our Family Life Pastor while babies were in childcare and big kids were in youth group. It was good to just go and connect with hubby and get the pastor caught up. During this time we realized the amount of huge stressors we've all had the last couple of months.
July - Loss of an early pregnancy, Mr.15 decided to leave for hours during the day and late at night.
August - Decided to sell home and downsize. Can't afford pig because of income drop by 80%. House shopping about did me in. God provided for us in a mighty way with a perfect 1,000sq ft smaller home and 1/2 the mortgage!
September - School year started
October - Prepped new house. And boys and dad moved us over 3 wks. Nana's new chemo almost killed her.
November - Mr.15's love of his life broke up with him. Praise God! Not a healthy relationship at all!
Nana not doing well at all. Not sure how much time we have with her.
Cyber bullying led to fight at school. Chris got the punches in and won, but the bullying comments have got to hurt. ( A week and a half before suicide attempt)

The pastor was encouraging that at least we are not divorcing right now, because that's the only major life crisis we aren't dealing with! And that we need to protect our marriage and keep ourselves healthy.
Wow! Is this really my life right now?

Afterwards, I got a call from the Pshych's office that they can see Mr.15 Friday! Wow! When the other place can't see him until mid-February! That is a relief!

The Valley - Day 3

Day 3

Anger!

Met with Mr.15's medical doctor. Doesn't want to prescribe anything for sleep now. Referred us to counselors and psychs.

In the van, taking Mr.15 back to school, things got heated. I asked him if he knew that this (his suicide attempt) has affected the whole family. That Mr.13 and Ms.12 are experiencing some pretty hard emotions too. He said, "Don't you think I know that?" I told him I didn't know. He told me that his brother would not even look at him when he came home from the hospital. He told me that I think he doesn't feel anything. But that he feels our emotions and his as well. That he is on a roller coaster as well, so don't assume he doesn't feel anything. I told him how much we loved him and always have and he just smirked, like "yeah, right".

I asked him (not the wisest move) if he did this to get back at us. He had a fit! "Yeah, make this all about you." I told him that I was asking because of the first thing he told me in the ER. "Now you can't push things off anymore." What?I asked. "Everything." Then I irrationally asked him if he did this to get back at his ex-girlfriend. Then he was really pissed. I told him I was asking because of the second thing he asked me in the ER. "Does "what's her name" know I'm here? What did she say? Was she upset?"

Then things went sideways...fast.

There was yelling and attempts to rip his headphones off of his head. He had a few choice words for me. And the slamming of the van door. He was walking in the direction of his school. I followed up later to make sure he got there. He had.

I couldn't help it. I was MAD at him for doing this to all of us! Call me cold. Call me whatever. But this is the rollercoaster I am on. I am not choosing these emotions. They are choosing me right now. This is how I'm coping. And it isn't that great!

When he got home after school we talked. I told him that I had gone about today wrong and apologized for how I handled things. That I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. That I am so grateful that he is with us. He seemed to accept this. He told me that this is all his fault.

That was my blow-up, but we didn't see the next one coming later. I heard yelling and banging from the boys' room at 11pm. Mr.13 had had enough of his brother's lack of respect for his things and lost it. Some punches were thrown and some really bad things were said. Quickly, I was able to explain again that we are all on a huge rollercoaster and that Mr.13 was letting off steam (albeit the wrong way). So standing there with a swollen eye and tears running down his face, Mr.13 told his brother that what he did on Saturday made him sad. Mr.15 said again, "You think that I don't feel anything." Mr.13 told him how should he know he had ANY emotions when he acts like a stoic robot all of the time. I encouraged Mr.13 to tell his brother how he felt. He told Mr.15 that he loves him. WhewwwwwWeeeee!!!

Two hours later Mr.15 and I wrapped up our conversation. It was good. It was a break through. He told me he still doesn't know exactly why he did what he did. I believe him. He's still processing. He told me that he feels neglected. That he told me in august that he wasn't sleeping well and I did nothing. ( He never mentioned it again) He told me that his blacking out spells could be dangerous or lifethreatening and that I did nothing. I reminded him that I took him to a doctor for this and he checked out fine a year ago. But recently we took him back in and now he has a cardiology appt already set up and an EEG.

I asked him when he started changing. Or when things started changing. And he pinpointed when I went into the hospital for 6.5wks unexpectedly. And with the arrival of our triplets that our lives have never been the same. Rightly so, son.

So, that was Day 3. Bad. Really Bad. And Good.

The Valley - Day 2

Day 2

FRUSTRATED

How could the hospital just leave us with nothing? No real plan. No phone numbers. Ok, a crisis line for Mr.15. Nothing but a "Counseling is highly recommended". NO, Duhhh!!! And "He promised not to hurt himself today." Really?!!!! That's it?!!!

Will he try this again? What precautions do we need to take? How do we talk to him? What should we say? Will we make it worse?

Where do we begin? What all does he need? Do we need? Who to call first? Who will be able to get us in? Will it be a good fit? Will they be quacks? Will my son open up to anyone? How much will this all cost? What about us? Is there support for parents?

FRUSTRATED to the point of tears! And the medical doctor calls while they were pouring. "Do you want me to call you back another time?" "Uhhhh, NO, there may not be another good time." At least he will see Mr.15 tomorrow. And he will have phone numbers for me. I have a call in to our Family Life Pastor for numbers as well.

Who to tell? We need prayer and lots of it. Who do I trust? Will it harm Mr.15 if I tell? Our pastoral staff knows. Ok, I have two prayer warriors that I can call. And my two sisters. They have to love me anyways, right?

Will people choose to stay away from our family now? I wouldn't blame them. What about our amazing adoption story? Is that testimony marred now? Why am I even thinking about this? This is crazy! Who is safe?

Beyond FRUSTRATED!

All I can do is pray that God leads us to the right help and fast!

Verse:
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, " The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:22-26

The Valley of the Shadow of Death - Day 1

Day 1

NUMB

Did this really happen? Did my son really just try to take his life? He was in a good mood today and hung out. What happened?

NUMB
Task Mode

The phone rang...late. The phone rang a little later. Mr. Wonderful got up to tell Mr.15 to wrap it up now that it was too late. The phone rang again. Mr.15 left the house in a hurry. The phone rang again. Mr. Wonderful picked up. Mr.15 did what? Overdosed on what? Where is he now?

NUMB
Task Mode

The ER doc came in to let us know that they are checking his levels and they will start giving him charcoal to get rid of the over the counter drug. I stepped out. I told her what he had told me. I told her I didn't know how to act. Did he do this for attention? Should I be the doting parent? Or do I need to hold back? He's obviously mad. OK, what would I normally do? Go to him. He talked some with steally eyes. Mad eyes.

We looked at each other and knew our lives would NEVER be the same. His life would NEVER be the same. Would he be ok? They weren't acting like it was an emergency. Where was everyone? Hello?!!! Shouldn't we be doing something here?!!!

The doc came in later to say that he had not taken enough to do damage or that the charcoal was working to bring his levels down. Praise God. So they would be transferring him to a secure section of the ER until a psych could come evaluate him. Then they would take him to another hospital for a minimum of 72 hours holding period. I lost it when we moved into a guarded, video monitored, sterile, cell-like room. I bawled for my son. Would this be his future? It couldn't be true!!!

Then Mr.Wonderful went and got breakfast for us. The nurse asked if we wanted cards. So the card games began and Mr.15 was actually laughing and joking with us. The psych on-call came and evaluated Mr.15 for 40minutes without us. We waited for what our future held. And then you'd think I'd be relieved when she said we could take him home! What? After all of this? This is serious. What if he does it again? What do we do now?

My Disobedience

I've wrestled with God for over a year about bringing my oldest daugher home to homeschool. After much prayer and a plan in mind, we set on the course and finally started homeschooling her this fall. But in my fear and reluctance to trust God's provision, the PLAN that was set was changed. And now I am looking at something that is not at all what the PLAN was suppose to look like.

Our goals, reasons, passions for homeschooling are as follows:
To build our relationship with God
To build our relationship with each other
To build opportunities to serve each other and outside of our home
To build my child up in their talents, abilities and allow their personality to shine
To build a model of learning that creates a DESIRE to learn
To build a foundation of HOW to learn
To build on the passion I have for the mission field, adoption, the needy, the friendless, the fatherless
To build on the life skills needed for their future

And the PLAN was for us to do a unit study on Countries and Different Cultures from My Father's World. The money was not there to do so this fall, but I did run across a free one at.............. Along with Wordly Wise, Writing Strands, Easy Grammar, and a math program (possibly Teaching Textbooks and IXL for review). Art and PE classes included. Time to have read alouds and snuggle time on the couch. Time for meaningful devotions. Time to create. Then fear caused me to change our plans and now it looks much different.

Now? We are in a 2 day a week alternative learning option, where she goes to a public/homeschool option 2 days a week to recieve her core subjects. It seemed like a great option to keep her up on her math and  reading ( she is moving out of her IEP, but won't have a review until Feb/March). And now every minute is spent on doing public school "homework" in our home. So as of this week I do not even call us "homeschoolers" but  "public at home schoolers"! And the reality that this is NOT what the PLAN was, hit me hard. Am I being obedient to all that God has put on my heart? NO. And that came thru to me in a very unique way.

Maybe because I'm stubborn God has to get me to my weakest point and then use an object lesson to point out His will. So as I'm in bed sick the last couple of days with a cold the babies shared with me, God used that time to teach me the errors of MY ways. It started with reading the triplets their nighttime story and of course it was on Jonah. Our emphasis with the babies is that we tell them that Jonah said NO to God and we need to say YES to Him. Ok, that struck a cord with me. Then my hubby was desperately searching for a lost computer cord while I was dealing with babies that didn't want to go to sleep. I had had the cord in my hands the night before so it had to be close. And as I was searching for it I began to pray for God to please help me find the cord. But I felt guilty. I knew God always helps me find missing things. I don't remember a time where I haven't found a missing item. I feel it's because I pray about it. But I felt God calling me to obedience re: homeschooling His way. So as I'm searching for the cord, my heart is wrestling with God. I surrendered to His way and told him I would make a change. After a few more searches in the office the missing cord was found. But as I held it I heard God say, "How much more do I care about Miss A?" "If you can trust me to find this cord, can't you trust my WAYS to homeschool and the plans I have for her?"

So here I am. Trusting and knowing that His WAYS are ALWAYS higher than mine! ALWAYS!

Our Enemies

I could write a book on all that has transpired over the last three years. In regards to my husband's place of employment it would fill a book alone. Never have we felt like we were in the midst of enemies as we have there. I say we, but really it's my husband. We are so grateful for the opportunity to have moved closer to home by a couple of hours and to be close to his parents and family. We love Portland and the opportunity to move was a promotion. But little did we know as my hubby sat at dinner with the "group", that as they initiated him in and congratulated him on becoming "one of them", what that really would mean in the years to follow.

Everything was fine until he (hubby) was asked to behave and perform according to the "group", even if that meant lying or doing things that were contrary to good business or even a little unethical. So quickly the "group" found my hubby not as easy to get along with. I'm so proud of the man that he is! It is a gift to find a man of integrity and that stands up for what is right. We were judged as a family as soon as babies #4, 5, & 6 were on the way. We were put into the same "right wing/conservative/God loving" class as his Christian assistant manager that they looked at with disgust! (Praise God!) But where it got interesting was when his regional manager attempted many times to demean and demote my husband. When another yard in the same market was going under, they decided to consolidate to his location and wanted him to now take a second seat to the flamboyant manager who's location was shut down. But he was still expected to sign off on papers and the location as if he was still running things. This quickly became a problem! He wouldn't be held repsonsible for this man's questionable actions. Soon that man was paid to leave. And then the next move by the regional was even more interesting. Instead of letting my hubby run his location again, the regional let the other operations manager run it into the ground for about 5 months. When that man got fired, it left hubby with a mess and a consolidation to clean up.

This not only made for a stressed out hubby but it shed some light on the spiritual warfare that was going on at the same time. There were days when my hubby literally felt an oppressive cloud in that location when he entered the doors. There were two incidences where my hubby was at managers meetings/retreats where the regional's demeanor and even his face became dark and evil. My hubby described it as the closest he's ever come to seeing Satan himself. We have pleaded the blood of Jesus Christ over him many times as he continues his career here. How long can one survive in that environment?

Recently, there have been more attacks as the regional's own location has fallen short over and over. The regional was just demoted and a loss of salary as well. That is great news to us as hubby has cut and cut and cut his location and is striving to keep it profitable in a market that is not moving. With one furlough done and other's threatened, a salary cut threatened, and supposedly no bonus for hubby's location (even though he out performed the regional's location 14 out of 14 months), hubby is at the end of his ropes. I will admit I have been there long ago. But have had to learn to be quiet and supportive and pray.....hard!!!

My prayers over the last 3 months has been that God will open the door He wants us to go through and close the ones He doesn't! During one incredibly stressful evenings (where the above mentioned was announced) I was in tears. But then I stopped and realized what I have been praying for. So maybe for my hubby, God is closing all doors. All doors there. And we trust that He will open wide where He wants us to go!

As I write this the regional market manager and one of hubby's old bosses and biggest supporter (those 2 have never riden together...they don't get along) just made a surprise trip down to see him today. This is the second one in a week. The last one was very odd and his regional left very quickly after HIS boss called him. This was about a 3hour drive down. The items on the agenda were not even discussed. Moments of awkward silence too. And now a surprise visit???

I have learned two things. Our future and hope is NOT in man. It is in God alone! And God's justice and revenge is much sweeter than our own!

Here's the verse I'm clinging to today as I await to see what door has been open or shut!
Psalm 43:
¹ Vindicate me, my God,
   and plead my cause
   against an unfaithful nation.
Rescue me from those who are
   deceitful and wicked.
² You are God my stronghold.
   Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?
³ Send me your light and your faithful care,
   let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
   to the place where you dwell.
⁴ Then I will go to the altar of God,
   to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
   O God, my God.
 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

God Is Bigger Than Our Enemies! Praise God!

Update: The following week my hubby was told his position as "manager" was being eliminated. He did recieve a severence package that was helpful. Four days later God opened the door at a company that my hubby has wanted to get his foot in the door at! Only four days on unemployment! Praise God!Then the next week everyone at his old location was given 24 hours notice that his old employer was pulling out of the market completely! God is good! He's bigger than our Enemies!

He Is Bigger Than...The Box

Growing up....
God (salvation) was neatly packaged for me.
And put into a box.
It had a pretty bow on it.
It looked pretty and pure and clean.

I desired to know God early on.
At age 5, I knelt by my Auntie's bedside and
asked Jesus into my heart.
I too recieved my own Gift.

So I tried to unwrap the Gift that was given to me.
But they said, "Don't untie the bow, it won't look pretty."
"If you hold the gift just so, the edges won't get torn."
"You want others to desire how pretty your gift is."
"Very few people have this gift that you are holding."
"You have to be careful with whom you share your gift with."
"If you let other's (outside) hold the gift it WILL be taken from you."
"Be so careful what you do, because you can loose your gift so easily."

I was very careful with my Gift.
I was a good little girl.
I dearly wanted to please my family and God.
So I did everything that they told me.
And my Gift was safe.

As I grew, I began to notice that there was fear that went with carrying this Gift.
And soon the Gift became heavy.
I desired to know the giver of this Gift more.
But wasn't allowed to peek or to question what was inside.
I saw that other's outside had a Gift also.
But their's looked different.

Some of the wrapping paper was torn from sharing their gifts.
The bows of some were untied.
And then I saw some who's boxes were open wide...
But their faces were not fearful!
They were joyful!
And more importantly they still had their Gifts!!!

I desired to know what was in those open boxes!
I wanted the joy of knowing the Gift giver.
I was soon to be on a lifelong journey of knowing
true joy, real love, as I opened my own box......

And let God OUT!