The Valley - Day 3

Day 3

Anger!

Met with Mr.15's medical doctor. Doesn't want to prescribe anything for sleep now. Referred us to counselors and psychs.

In the van, taking Mr.15 back to school, things got heated. I asked him if he knew that this (his suicide attempt) has affected the whole family. That Mr.13 and Ms.12 are experiencing some pretty hard emotions too. He said, "Don't you think I know that?" I told him I didn't know. He told me that his brother would not even look at him when he came home from the hospital. He told me that I think he doesn't feel anything. But that he feels our emotions and his as well. That he is on a roller coaster as well, so don't assume he doesn't feel anything. I told him how much we loved him and always have and he just smirked, like "yeah, right".

I asked him (not the wisest move) if he did this to get back at us. He had a fit! "Yeah, make this all about you." I told him that I was asking because of the first thing he told me in the ER. "Now you can't push things off anymore." What?I asked. "Everything." Then I irrationally asked him if he did this to get back at his ex-girlfriend. Then he was really pissed. I told him I was asking because of the second thing he asked me in the ER. "Does "what's her name" know I'm here? What did she say? Was she upset?"

Then things went sideways...fast.

There was yelling and attempts to rip his headphones off of his head. He had a few choice words for me. And the slamming of the van door. He was walking in the direction of his school. I followed up later to make sure he got there. He had.

I couldn't help it. I was MAD at him for doing this to all of us! Call me cold. Call me whatever. But this is the rollercoaster I am on. I am not choosing these emotions. They are choosing me right now. This is how I'm coping. And it isn't that great!

When he got home after school we talked. I told him that I had gone about today wrong and apologized for how I handled things. That I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. That I am so grateful that he is with us. He seemed to accept this. He told me that this is all his fault.

That was my blow-up, but we didn't see the next one coming later. I heard yelling and banging from the boys' room at 11pm. Mr.13 had had enough of his brother's lack of respect for his things and lost it. Some punches were thrown and some really bad things were said. Quickly, I was able to explain again that we are all on a huge rollercoaster and that Mr.13 was letting off steam (albeit the wrong way). So standing there with a swollen eye and tears running down his face, Mr.13 told his brother that what he did on Saturday made him sad. Mr.15 said again, "You think that I don't feel anything." Mr.13 told him how should he know he had ANY emotions when he acts like a stoic robot all of the time. I encouraged Mr.13 to tell his brother how he felt. He told Mr.15 that he loves him. WhewwwwwWeeeee!!!

Two hours later Mr.15 and I wrapped up our conversation. It was good. It was a break through. He told me he still doesn't know exactly why he did what he did. I believe him. He's still processing. He told me that he feels neglected. That he told me in august that he wasn't sleeping well and I did nothing. ( He never mentioned it again) He told me that his blacking out spells could be dangerous or lifethreatening and that I did nothing. I reminded him that I took him to a doctor for this and he checked out fine a year ago. But recently we took him back in and now he has a cardiology appt already set up and an EEG.

I asked him when he started changing. Or when things started changing. And he pinpointed when I went into the hospital for 6.5wks unexpectedly. And with the arrival of our triplets that our lives have never been the same. Rightly so, son.

So, that was Day 3. Bad. Really Bad. And Good.